What does a secure child look like?

In social media, psychology, parenting, and even within relationships we hear about healthy attachment.  Secure attachment.  Anxious attachment.  So what does it mean? And how do I know if a child I work with has a healthy/secure attachment?

What is attachment?

Attachment is an internal drive for soothing and proximity when children aren’t feeling regulated, calm, or safe, and when children feel stressed. It is a behavioral pattern that children use to stay connected to their caretakers to meet their safety and emotional needs.

Children who are secure in attachment turn to the people who they feel safe with to soothe them.  They need to be reassured and feel safe in their world.  And they get that need met.  They calm down, they are comforted, and the world is safe for them to explore again.  

The theory of attachment was formed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1970s, and it states that a healthy attachment is needed to develop healthy relationships. Bowlby stated that people are happiest and functioning at their best when they have a trusted adult who is their secure base.  For children, this is often their primary caregiver, and it trickles into the other caregivers in their lives.  Secure relationships build a connection to how a child’s limbic brain and autonomic nervous system develop. These systems are responsible for a child’s ability to handle their stress response and emotional development.  So the healthier attachment, the better the child’s stress response.

Having a secure attachment is an important predictor of a child’s social and emotional ability to cope, interact, and manage their mental wellness later in life. If something is new or different in a child’s world, they look to the person they feel safe with to identify what they should do. When a baby is just learning to stand and falls down, they often wait to respond depending on what their caregiver's reaction is. If the caregiver becomes worried and anxious, the baby will cry.  If the caregiver gently smiles and neutrally acknowledges what happens, but stays calm, the child will often stay calm and just try again. Secure attachment forms when an infant/child trusts their caregiver, knowing they will provide for their needs.  Secure attachment develops in children in caregivers who are responsive, loving, and with a warm welcoming demeanor. 

Secure children are often more self-reliant and independent, have stronger cooperation with their parents, have greater skills to regulate their emotions, are more social with peers, showing empathy and sharing, have less anxiety and overall better mental heath as an adolescent and adult.  Secure children will prefer their secure caregiver, but are comfortable trusting other adults as well.  So how can I help form secure attachments?

How do I create a secure attachment?

What we have learned is even the smallest shift in a caregiver's behavior has a huge impact. Adults who are aware, sensitive and responsive to their children’s needs often have secure children.  We see affection, gentle responses for discipline, verbal and physical comfort.  Caregivers encourage independence, acceptance, and exploration.  They make positive eye contact, show they are interested through listening and paying attention to what their child is doing. 

Almost all children will tell you when they aren’t feeling okay, safe, or capable – when they feel out of control or scared.  And it’s not through their words. 

Children tell us through their behaviors, including yelling, crying, hitting, frustration, or irritation.  The difference between a child who is securely attached and one that may be struggling with an attachment will be how they seek out being soothed. Children with a secure attachment will go to their safe adult, seek out comfort, seek the response of an adult so they can be soothed.  Secure children know that things will be okay and usually can be soothed, taking cues from how their caregiver responds.  Children who may struggle with secure attachment struggle to be soothed.  They may seek out a safe adult, but they still struggle to internally trust that things in their world are safe. So how do we help them feel safe?

Help them feel safe.  A child needs to feel secure in their environment, knowing that they can explore and you will keep them safe by being with them, you won’t be too far away.

Notice your child.  Be in tune with their needs, and when they signal a need, meet it. Identify what they need and what cues they are giving you.  This goes beyond food, bathroom needs, and warmth.  This is seeing what they are exploring, and commenting kindly and with love on what they are doing.  This being available to see what they need.

Sometimes what they need is comfort and attention.  This is good and normal.  If something goes wrong, even if it’s as simple as a different cup than they are used to, they need us, their safe adults, to soothe them and help them know that feelings are okay, and change is safe.  We been to be gentle and understanding, loving and patient.

Let the child know it’s safe to explore, and that they are capable.  This means letting them do new things with the chance of it not being perfect, doing things that help them gain more skills and autonomy. 

And finally, it’s a child knowing they are loved for who they are and not what they do or don’t do.  Children are amazing, so go out and help them grow in a secure and healthy relationship.

References

Bowlby J. Attachment and loss: Retrospect and prospect. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. Published online October 1982:664-678. doi:10.1111/j.1939-0025.1982.tb01456.x

Brumariu LE. Parent-Child Attachment and Emotion Regulation. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development. Published online June 2015:31-45. doi:10.1002/cad.20098

Simmons BL, Gooty J, Nelson DL, Little LM. Secure attachment: implications for hope, trust, burnout, and performance. J Organiz Behav. Published online February 2009:233-247. doi:10.1002/job.585

Simard V, Moss E, Pascuzzo K. Early maladaptive schemas and child and adult attachment: A 15-year longitudinal study. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research and Practice. Published online March 15, 2011:349-366. doi:10.1111/j.2044-8341.2010.02009.x