Bonding, Boundaries & Behaviors
Written by: Savannah Schadegg
When we discuss bonding as an investment and a withdrawal, we begin to view it as a piggy bank. We add to each child’s piggy bank with each attempt to bond, to observe interests, and build meaningful connections through age-appropriate expectations and community belonging. Withdrawals from a child’s emotional piggy bank occur when we have to correct a child, exclude a child, discuss a child’s behavior in front of them, or when we lack follow-through. Just like with a piggy bank, if we withdraw more than we invest, we end up in the negative, where trust is not stable, where connection feels inauthentic, and where children do not have enough connection to cooperate with tasks and demands.
We can assume that when a child with a secure attachment comes into a care setting, they are arriving with some form of emotional currency already invested in their bank by their primary caregivers (parents/grandparents). Now, let's take into account that some children do not arrive with anything in their piggy bank, some even have handwritten IOUs because of life’s circumstances. Circumstances that can also be understood through Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. When a child is lacking physiological needs; also known as basic human needs such as food, water, and shelter, they are not able to advance up the pyramid. A child who is lacking in safety is unable to have a sense of belonging in their home or community. When a child is not able to feel like they belong they lack esteem, etc. These children are often the ones in a classroom that are “hard” to connect with; they are more likely to show externalized behaviors that are labeled “challenging.” We recognize that children who have empty emotional piggy banks, empty bellies, and insecure attachments will struggle to advance to their highest potential and build meaningful relationships now and later in life.
So what can we, as adults, do to support the children in our care to bond with caregivers, build more secure attachments, improve behaviors in a care setting, and become children and adults who can function as well-adjusted citizens in our society?
Eye contact/ Eye-level communication
Attentive responses
Serve and Return communication
Join play
Playful interactions
Caring/ safe touch
Be present
Intentional greetings & dismissal
Apologizing and taking accountability
Understand where children fit in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs
Through understanding children’s needs, the importance of emotional investments into their piggy banks, and ways adults can support, it sets us up for successfully offering boundaries by age and development level, while not over expecting what children do not have the capacity for. We can recognize and reduce power dynamics, as well as improve our professional practice, when working with challenging behaviors.
WYECBC has a more in-depth training on this topic, and if it’s of interest to you, reach out to us at our email address, wyecbc@gmail.com. We would love to support you in understanding bonding, boundaries, and behaviors for children from birth to five.